Dear Lion Killer

Dear Creepy Dentist That Likes To Murder Endangered Animals,

Wow, sir. I expect that you should be getting a sweet gift basket in the mail soon from a Mr. Donald Trump because you just made his life a LOT easier. I’m sure he was happy to pass the torch so that you could become the next, “Most Hated Man in America, And Maybe Even On This Earth.” Way to take the heat off and congrats! I couldn’t imagine anyone who could be less likable than you, so you should own your crown for quite some time. Maybe you can display it in your home along with all of your other “trophies?” That would be so cool!

I find the “hobby,” that you are “responsible and passionate” about, as you put it, pretty off-putting, but something tells me that maybe we just aren’t cut from the same cloth (no offense but, phew!). I’m sure I’m just being judgey though. So rude of me. I guess I am just interested in other things. I mean….have you ever considered yoga or wine tasting? I like those things a ton and you don’t even have to compromise your morality! But, I suppose it’s too late for you where that’s concerned. Should have told you sooner. My bad! (To be clear, in case you think I don’t relate to your gardening or something, I’m referencing the hobby you have that involves paying exorbitant amounts of money to stalk big game animals, even endangered ones, shoot them with a bow and arrow, and then cut their heads off to keep as a prize and mount on your wall. You have a history of skirting the rules a bit to make it happen, but you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do!) Talk about extreme, you sound like a true-blue bad ass! This time you really took it up a notch when you used food to lure Cecil the Lion out of a Zimbabwean National Park so that you would be able to kill him with your arrow somewhere else. And it was totally smart of you to try to destroy his GPS collar. Bummer you got caught after all of that planning ahead. Either way, you really tricked him! You’re so much smarter than he was! You must be crazy tough too and no doubt have a huge, you-know-what. I can’t believe people hate you anyway. Jerks.

To be fair, you did apologize because you didn’t know he was a famous lion. You thought he was just a regular middle-class lion, or you never would have killed him. Killing famous lions is clearly in poor taste, so I thought that was an insightful and important thing to point out. Weird that it seemed to make everyone hate you even more. People are just touchy these days so you’re probably not letting it get to you. That photo you took with Cecil after he was dead where you smile from ear to ear was cool too. Very Dahmer-esque. That one was really misunderstood by the gen pop. On the plus side, you won’t have to worry about any more pesky neighborhood kids ringing your bell with girl scout cookies anymore!

I have a hunch people aren’t going to be knocking your dental door down for root canals anytime soon either. What with your new murderous, savage, deranged reputation and all. Which is a big bummer because I heard you spent 50k on going to stalk Cecil! That’s quite the chunk of change! You might want to start selling all of the heads on your walls to your other creepy buddies. That could help out a lot. I’m thinking once your dental career hits the skids here in a minute, you are going to have to get creative, so I’m just tossing ideas out. There are plenty of third world countries that host clinics where dentists offer free care to patients in need. If I were facing complete corruption of my soul and sense of self, I would be thinking of redeeming stuff like that that I could do. Something tells me you won’t go that route, but if you do, I sure hope no one bites your fingers! Wouldn’t want you to experience any pain and suffering!

It’s probably good that you have made it your life’s “passion” to take the animal kingdom down a notch. I feel like all of those animals are getting so cocky these days. All protected in their national parks and what not. It’s like, who do they think they are? Somebody needs to show them who’s boss. I heard there might be some kind of fallout in Cecil’s pride too. I guess the new king will follow the barbaric laws of the animal kingdom and kill Cecil’s cubs so that his own bloodline can take over. This will cause all sorts of violence and uproar with the females. A bunch of them will probably die. Can you imagine?! I shudder at the thought. Lion’s are so cruel.

Anywho, I also heard that the Zimbabwean authorities might want to prosecute you since what you did was technically “illegal”. That would super-suck if you ended up in an African prison which a bunch of African criminals that knew you killed their favorite lion. Yikes! They probably don’t even have wi-fi. I know the last time that you participated in a technically “illegal” slaughter all you had to do was pay 3 g’s and have a year’s probation or something, which is no biggie for you since you are all about the Benjamin’s baby. Don’t worry though, if you do end up in African prison, I’ll totally write to you again.



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